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  LESSON 10: The IntegrityDating Rules for Success

The IntegrityDating Rules for Success

From reading the previous lessons, you can see that there are many areas where singles have and are continually being misguided and misled. Therefore, I think you can now understand better what I am saying when I talk about dating confusion. You also know why we desperately need to make major changes in the way we date and look for love. Singles who desire to find love with monogamy and marriage will have greater success by following the IntegrityDating Rules for Success. Here they are.

The IntegrityDating Rules for Success and the Answer to America's Core Dating Problems

  • Always date with healthy values and positive mental attitudes. Always date with good, positive, healthy values such as honesty, respect, kindness, integrity, consideration, positive attitudes and outlooks, finding the good in others, encouraging each other, being trustworthy, etc. This helps eliminate the self-centeredness of today’s Traditional and Recreational dating.
  • Men should pursue, and women should respond. Return to following natural instincts. To avoid gender role confusion, the man is the pursuer and the woman the responder. He is the one to approach her, get her number, and ask her out. She can help the process along by flirting or smiling at him from across the room. In this way, he knows she is friendly, approachable, and interested before he approaches or continues pursuing.
  • Limit your use of impersonal technology. When starting a new relationship, it is suggested that you stick to phone calls, video chatting and face-to-face conversations. Why? Texting, email, chatting, and messaging are all impersonal. They frequently create misunderstandings and confusion by those attempting to interpret them. Use them as little as possible when getting to know someone new. Instead, use the phone or video calls to set up face-to-face interactions.
  • Progress together through each of the IntegrityDating stages. To avoid growing apart, splitting up, pressuring the other to move faster than they are ready to, or to eliminate confusion and misunderstandings, it’s important to continue progressing through the stages together and in agreement.
  • Evaluate those you date before you become exclusive or get sexually involved. Starting with your first meeting, begin checking out each person’s character, values, goals, and the type of connection you have or lack of one. Is the relationship growing in a positive direction? Are you both becoming better people because of being together? Do your family and friends love them also? It is extremely important to evaluate and qualify before becoming exclusive or moving into sexual activities.
  • Exclusivity should come before sex. The excitement of sex is alluring. However, it is one thing that can easily get you sidetracked from your important goal of making sure you are with the right person first. Your relationship house should have a solid foundation and framework before you start decorating or moving in. Your cake should have the right ingredients before you add the icing. Be sure that you have evaluated, are with the right person and have agreed to be exclusive before adding sexual activities.
  • Be sure you are with the right person before you become exclusive. Don’t waste your precious time, energy, and emotions on the wrong people. Move quickly through those who are not right. Once you have done the basic evaluating and are reasonably sure you are with the right person, then move forward.
  • Respect each other sexually. Once exclusive, both the man and woman should agree together when and how to add sexual activities. No one person should make the other feel rushed or uncomfortable about it. Usually, it’s the woman who wants to wait. If this is the case, her man should support and respect her decision, agreeing to wait as-long-as it takes. She will respect, trust, love, and appreciate him so much more for it.
  • Focus on laying a strong, solid foundation by going through all the important growth stages. When pacing and following the healthy growth progression in IntegrityDating, you will automatically build a solid foundation that can last long-term and will avoid missing important growth stages. You will find it much easier to follow a purposeful progression than to constantly be wondering if what you are doing is right or wrong.
  • Get background and criminal checks before becoming exclusive. Protect yourself and stay safe. Far too often, singles find out after marriage that the person they love, and trust has a previous record of something, which had they known, would have been (and now is) a Red Flag or Deal Breaker. Therefore, we do these important checks before committing to anyone, before becoming exclusive. You will be making a wiser decision and have peace of mind when finally giving your whole heart and soul to them.
  • Practice sexual safety. This means getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases before getting sexually involved. Just like doing background and criminal checks before becoming exclusive you should do checks for all Sexually Transmitted Diseases. If both results come back clean you can enjoy each other freely. If someone has an issue, there is time to discuss it and make informed decisions.
  • Include all three types of love. Be sure you have all three types of love that are critical for ensuring long-term success in a committed long-term relationship. Most singles just wing it. They hope it will all work out because they have the feelings of love. But those feelings will come and go. It is important that you are sure you also have the more stable types of love—those that hold the relationship together through the tough times.
  • Follow the important guidelines found in IntegrityDating. As in any successful endeavor, following rules, protocols, and guidelines keeps you on track for reaching your end goals quicker and easier. Your dating process must have these very important guidelines to help you navigate through to achieving your goal. Following the IntegrityDating process will help you experience healthy relationship growth and progression from meeting to marriage.

These aspects are what good, healthy, happy, long-term relationships are built on. Don’t just look for someone that can provide these for you but be sure you are working on building them in yourself. You must be sure you can give your partner all the good you are expecting from them.

A Quick Review

  • As the responder: a woman should continually be thanking her pursuer and letting him know she appreciates him, especially whenever he does something she likes and when he treats her with kindness and respect. She should always let him know she appreciates his giving and kind gestures. Also, she should occasionally thank him by treating him to a date she plans and pays for. This lets him know she is not just taking advantage of him and encourages him to continue wooing and pursuing. When a man pursues with kindness and respect, there is a good chance he will become her hero. There is also a better chance of her falling in love with him.
  • Communication: The ultimate-goal is to learn about each other in an atmosphere where you can hear their voice inflections (phone) and see their facial expressions (in person or video). In these three ways, you can tell much more about a person without as much confusion. You can't get this from texting, messaging, chatting, or emailing. After a few months of getting to know the other person’s character through phone, video, and face-to-face meetings, you can do more texting, messaging, chatting, and emailing.
  • Progressing together: In traditional dating, it is common for one person to be convinced they are ready for marriage while the other is content with just dating. Their partner doesn’t want to change anything. They are not ready for even talking about a deeper commitment or marriage. One person often puts pressure on the other for them to give more or commit more. Since most singles don’t talk about how emotionally committed (or not) they are in a particular-relationship, it makes for many misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unnecessary breakups. This-is-why those following the IntegrityDating process move together and in agreement from stage to stage.
  • Evaluating first: You have an important choice here. You can choose to settle for a nice person or find your perfect partner. Your future will be filled with joy and happiness or disappointment and unhappiness by the decision you make. Evaluate effectively and choose wisely. (See my courses on Is He the One? And Is She the One? to help you know your perfect partner.)
  • Waiting to add sexual activities: Deciding to wait may or may not be due to a religious preference. No matter why, both the man and woman should encourage and help the other to uphold that decision. This is especially important if someone has a strong conviction in this area.
  • Staying safe: If something negative comes up on your checks (background, criminal, sexual), you will have time to think about it before becoming exclusive (making a commitment to them). You will have a chance to make an informed decision to stay or leave. No surprises later! Do your checks as soon as you start feeling you want to be exclusive with someone. Encourage them to do checks on you also. This way you both can discuss anything that shows up… keeping everything above board and honest. Keeping everything in the open will help bring peace to both of you.

Bottom line: Face-to-face dates are the best. Phone and video calls are the next best. All other forms of technology are not recommended for getting to know a new dating partner. If you have a hard time limiting your texting, emailing, and chatting with a new person for a couple of months, at least cut back for the first month. Use impersonal technology as little as possible; perhaps for texting “I’m running a few minutes late,” but not for asking questions in-order-to get to know them better, and never assume anything. Always ask them to clarify something they said if you don’t completely understand. Long-distance relationships should grow mostly from phone and video conversations.

First: Evaluate and be sure you are with the person you want to work toward marriage with. Have fun enjoying your dates in other areas first. Before adding sexual activities be sure you like their character, values, goals and the connection you have with them.

Second: Become exclusive next, after you are with someone whom you have an excellent connection, are happy and becoming a better person with. Only become exclusive with a person you are reasonably certain you may want to spend the rest of your life with.

Third: Add sexual activities after you have evaluated, are exclusive, and when both of you agree.

Following this 3-step progression is using wisdom in finding love. For those of you who are ready to make this drastic change in your mental love blueprint, thoughts, and actions, I believe you will be amazed with the wonderful results you will experience.

As you can see, these rules are answers to the core problems we see in today's Traditional and Recreational dating styles. Now, let’s explore how guidelines can make you a more desirable dating partner.