Lesson 7 The Early Stages
We Select and Follow Personal Guidelines
Having personal guidelines is extremely important. They help us define who we are, what we want, where we want to go, and who we want to go with us. Guidelines also help us stay focused, confident, eliminates all that is not good for us, and gives us success, not only in dating but all areas of our lives.
Before allowing another person into your life, knowing who you are, what you want, and where you want to go in your life is of utmost importance. Your guidelines will keep others from running over you. They will help you stay on course. Clear-cut guidelines will help you know the things for which you will take responsibility. It helps your dating partners know how to relate to you better. It is also a great way to build your self-confidence, which is very attractive to the opposite sex.
Here Are a Few Good Reasons Why You Need Guidelines:
Setting and keeping your personal guidelines will help you build healthy relationships. You will feel secure and protected when you are in control of your own emotions, thoughts, and body. Also, you will control your own time and future direction. There are many great guidelines mentioned in my courses, especially this one.
Without Guidelines You May Find Yourself in Some of These Situations
Sit down now and make a list of guidelines that are important to you. Do it before you get involved with someone. Do it while your head is clear. Do it now, before you start IntegrityDating. Use all the principles in this course for your guidelines.
Once you have your list, do your best to stick to your list when you become interested in a new dating partner. If the relationship begins to feel uncomfortable for some unknown reason, check to see if you have compromised any of your guidelines. You probably have.
We Agree on the End Result On or Before a First Date
In order to avoid assuming and having serious misunderstandings we discuss and agree with our new date that we both desire a serious relationship ending in marriage or at least commitment. Oftentimes couples start dating without having this discussion. Later they discover one wants marriage and the other is only looking for Friends-with-Benefits and no commitment.
Never assume that wonderful person you just met has the same end result in mind. Many singles today are only looking to have fun with Recreational dating. They are not interested in commitment or even in monogamy. If marriage is your desire, don’t waste time dating those who do not wholeheartedly want marriage also.
When you first meet someone, let them know you are looking for marriage and ask them if they are also. If you want marriage and start dating someone who wants something else or is unsure of what they want, you can be sure that relationship is headed for disaster. When the other person is not mentally ready or willing to commit, it will more likely be you ending up wasting time and emotions in a relationship you don’t really want. In order to avoid this, ask them early, on or before a first date, if they want marriage and if they are ready for it now.
We Start With Casual Dating
In today’s Traditional dating, singles will meet and date one person exclusively. Usually in a few weeks or months, they have become very close emotionally, physically, and sexually, and then there is a breakup, which often ends in heartache and heartbreak. This quite frequently happens because of someone, or both, giving their heart and soul to the other too soon. They made themselves vulnerable to someone they didn’t know very well.
Then they go back out there and repeat this process over and over with different people. They keep getting hurt over and over or hurting others again and again. This is dating according to the definition of insanity—doing the same things over and over, yet expecting a different result. However, if you don’t change something, you will not have different results. So here is how you should change things.
Casual Dating with assessing and evaluating first works much better than jumping right in. For the first several dates, we don’t get too emotionally or physically involved. The point here is to first learn that person’s character, values, goals, and if there is a good enough connection before getting closer to them. We must first find out if this person has the quality and potential for becoming a lifetime partner. This is considered wise and mature dating. This stage helps you with your pacing as well as early eliminating.
We Are Not Yet a Couple, So We Act Accordingly
In these early stages, before we become exclusive, our actions are those of two individuals who enjoy spending time getting to know each other and not as a committed couple. We end a date before midnight and look forward to sleepovers after we have a commitment of exclusivity to each other. We never make travel plans where we have to share a room. I’m sure you get the idea.
Men Pursue and Women Respond
Men are naturally made to be stimulated by the chase, the challenge, and the competition of pursuing the woman they desire. They are mentally stimulated when trying to think of ways to win a woman’s heart. In doing so, it pumps up the adrenaline and creates more of a desire to be chivalrous.
When men have to win their woman’s heart away from other men and work hard to win her affections, they see her as more valuable. Men who are easily handed everything from a woman tend to take them for granted. Men, please don’t get upset with me. This comes from Ph.D.’s, as well as, male relationship and dating experts. All through the ages, we see this. It’s the basic nature of men.
When a woman is doing both jobs, there is no reason for a man to commit. She asks him out, plans the date, pays for the date, cooks, cleans, gives him sex, emotional support, and possibly lets him move in. All he has to do is sit back and enjoy, which is exactly what some men will do. However, most of those men will eventually get bored and leave for someone who is more of a challenge, stimulates their masculine desires, or is proving to him that she may be his Keeper.
A woman may initially flirt, but the ball starts in the man’s court. If he is truly interested in her, he will find or make a way to meet her. This creates the type of game men enjoy with no one manipulating or playing games. Women, the ball is now in your court. If you are interested, you respond in a favorable manner, such as giving your phone number or accepting a date. IntegrityDating brings a healthier balance with men pursuing and women responding.
Women: You can catch a man’s eye and smile to let him know you are interested and even flirt with him. Just don’t make a move on him, buy him a drink, ask him out, or ask for his number. That is not your job. Let him be the masculine, and you be the feminine.
We Date More Than One Person
Don’t panic when you hear this. Think about it. It makes sense. In the early stages, Casual Dating and Romantic Dating, we are not seriously committed to anyone. We are taking this time to find out who is right for us to continue seeing. We are evaluating.
Therefore, it is okay to see several people at the same time. We are not getting serious, committing to, or having a sexual relationship with anyone yet. Once we decide to become exclusive with someone, then we will eliminate all the others and commit to only one. That is the one we will be sexually intimate with.
In the beginning, the man should find a woman he is interested in. Then his focus must stay on wooing and romancing until he wins her heart.
Ladies: It is important that you are seeing more than one man. As I said earlier, most quality men are stimulated by the chase, the challenge, and the competition. They tell me they want to slay dragons for you to prove themselves worthy of you. This means they want to help eliminate any problems (dragons) you have in your life. They want to prove to you that they are your hero.
When Jerry and I were in the second stage (Romantic Dating), he asked me why I was seeing other men. I told him it was because we were not exclusive yet. He told me he was not seeing other women. I told him he could because we were not exclusive yet. He said he didn’t want to because he wanted to spend all his time thinking of ways to please me. I melted, and he scored BIG TIME! He was truly a man who knew he wanted me and was going to do whatever it took to win me. This is what IntegrityDating is all about! At that point, the other two men were in the Casual Dating stage while Jerry had progressed to the Romantic Dating stage.
Men: When you find a quality woman, one who brings value into your life, focus on her. Do what it takes to win her heart and soul. This is how you will become her hero and irresistible to her. Women will take you more seriously when you are totally focused on them.
Romance and Intimacy Will Build Through the Stages
For laying a proper foundation, we start off slowly adding romantic activities. As we become more positive of the person we are with, we increase the romance.
Here is a brief example
First stage: We start with a little emotional romance.
Second stage: We add physically romantic activities.
Third stage: We can add sexually romantic activities.
Here is an example of how romance grows from stage to stage
Casual Dating: We spend a few dates having fun, connecting, and doing our initial evaluating. Romance can begin here with casual gestures and words: a wink, a smile, kind words, bantering, laughing, flirting, and exchanging sincere compliments. When I was dating Jerry, I would often say, “Here’s my handsome guy,” or “Hi Sexy.” I also said, “I like the way you think.” Men, don’t forget to tell her how beautiful she is, how much fun she is, or how much you love it when she laughs.
Romantic Dating: Women desire romance like men desire sex. So men, you need to romance her first. Sex is the reward that comes when you do things in the correct order, which is romancing her and getting her ready to move to the next stage with you. In this stage, you should add simple romantic gestures, such as flowers, cards, holding hands as you stroll through the park, museum, or outdoor festival, and cuddling and kissing on a park bench or in a movie theater. You may even spend some time holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes during a romantic dinner and playing footsies under the table. Now you can have a romantic dinner and walks on the beach. Don’t forget to smile and laugh.
Exclusive Dating: Once you are exclusive, you can add sexually romantic gestures. There is only one caveat here. These gestures will be stirring you and your partner up and getting you both ready to have sex. So be sure that you both have agreed and are ready for it. Those who have chosen to wait should not incorporate sexual gestures until they are ready to add sexual activities.
In this 5-step process you may want to kiss on the first few dates. However, your patience will be rewarded in the second stage. It will be worth waiting a few dates in order to win a quality person you desire to be with long-term.