Lesson 1 Before You Start
The pre-requisite for this course is The Introduction to IntegrityDating course. You also may see it referred to as the New Rules for Dating or The 13 Rules for Success.
It is highly suggested that you take that course first. It will give you the groundwork for this IntegrityDating course. If you have not completed thatcourse first, please do so before starting this one. Thank you!
Also, I will not be adding lots of videos to this course since it is a longer course. I want you to read and reread this course in order to learn it. Also to get continued coaching with our monthly membership. This will help you with any questions that will come up... and they will come up.
Remember, whenever you learn something new your mind will rebel. So it is always good to have someone to help you combat that chatter-box in your head that tries to keep you stuck in a rut.
I Congratulate You
I congratulate you for purchasing this course and being willing to do something completely different from what you are presently doing. Because of that, your life is about to change for the better. No more dating year after year, disappointment after disappointment. No more breaking up over and over. It’s your turn to learn what you need to know but don’t know about dating and relating.
Now that I have been in a loving relationship with my Mr. Right for over eight wonderful years, I sometimes reflect back on the reasons why I didn’t find my perfect partner sooner. Sure, I had a few other casual loves during that forty year span, but never that deep, undying, wholehearted, unconditional love, and definitely never with the perfect one for me… until I finally learned what I was doing wrong.
Well, maybe I shouldn’t say I did anything wrong. It was more like everything stemmed from my not knowing the best way to do things. Once I knew and understood what the best way was and followed that path, it led me to a happy, married life with a man who is perfect for me. This is what I want for you. To give you the changes in direction and head you down a path that leads to success in love.
So have an open mind and heart. Be ready to learn and implement things you may not completely understand. Be ready to trust that what I am teaching you really will work for you. Then follow the process step-by-step. Learn and practice, practice and practice until you fall into the arms of the person who loves you with all their heart.
Changing Your Mental Blueprint about Love and Dating
You will hear me speak often about your mental blueprint about love and dating. It is the reason you have not had success in love and why you are confused about the best way to date. Don’t think badly about yourself because real, true, deep, committed love hasn’t happened for you.
You are not a bad person. There is nothing wrong with you. You simply received the wrong advice about love and dating, and it became your mental blueprint. Your words and actions have been following what you have been taught and are still being taught. Unfortunately, those things have not worked for you.
Fortunately, you now have discovered a new and better way. It is time to upgrade your love and dating blueprint. When you change your thoughts and beliefs, your words and actions will change. When your words and actions change, it will change the situations and people around you. When you change, it changes everything around you. That is what this course is about to do for you. It will give you new information to help you create a new you. Which in turn will create you a new and better life. If you embrace it, it will change your dating and love life for the better.
A Long-Standing House Needs a Strong Foundation
In the prerequisite intro course you learned that dating and building a long-term relationship is similar to building a house. You must first lay a solid foundation, including underground pipes for plumbing as well as wiring throughout the walls for electricity.
In the same way, there are important things to get set up correctly early in a relationship. These things must be done first in order to keep the relationship working over the long-term. Early in a relationship, we are setting up a framework that is strong and secure and able to last a lifetime. Only after the foundation and framework are ready, do you apply the paint, decorate, and move in.
Painting, decorating, and moving in may be the more enjoyable part of the process, but it is one that must wait until the other steps are completed first. Following a proper process for building a home (relationship) correctly will lead to the pleasures of a home that is extremely enjoyable for the owners (couple) for years to come. Also, when the house is built correctly, there are fewer problems to handle later.
Many singles today think they can jump into a new relationship and have it magically turn into a wonderful long-term love affair. It may be magical for a while because they are enjoying the short-term pleasures. They are in a hurry to have the fun of moving into their new house (relationship). They enjoy the painting, decorating, and moving in without taking the time to put in the plumbing, electric, and strong framework. That all takes time and who wants to wait?
When they try to keep it going over time, they realize they don’t have everything they need. By then, it’s too late, so they abandon it and move on to do the same thing with someone else, hoping it will be different. They are living the definition of insanity by doing the same things over and over while hoping for different results. Nothing will change until they learn and follow the rules for building a strong, sturdy foundation and framework first. This is what following the IntegrityDating process will do for you. It will help you set a strong, long-lasting foundation for your forever love affair!
*If you have not taken the pre-requisite course, the Intro to ID, you can find it in your Finding Love Academy account. It's free and is a shorter course, so go ahead and gain its wealth of knowledge now.
Important Points to Cover
Before going any further, here are some important items to address and definitions to help you with clarity as you continue the course.
Repetition - Repetition is good, so please don’t get upset with me. It is not a mistake. It was done intentionally for several reasons. Repetition of information may seem a bit annoying, but it helps you remember important points. Please embrace the concept and use it to help you grow.
The Word “Date” – The word “date” has many connotations. There are times in this course that you will read the word date and it will have different meanings, such as a time frame, not a dating process. Dictionary definition: Designated time of meeting or to meet. However, I believe the meanings in this course are always understandable because of the context in which the word is used.
The Word “We” – Throughout the book, you will hear me use the word “we” in a variety of contexts. It may refer to people as a whole, singles as a whole, or it may refer to the singles who agree with and are using the IntegrityDating process. Example: While IntegrityDating, we all agree to...
A Few Benefits – This process will work for most all ages, races, and religious affiliations. It can be used by those who desire a committed relationship with or without marriage. It can also be used by those who desire to abstain from sex until marriage or begin a sexual relationship once they have become exclusive.
Genders – When I refer to men or women, I am speaking of that particular gender “on the whole” or “in general.” However, when I speak of singles in general, you and I both know that there are some who do not fit into a basic mold. There are some men who are more in tune with their feminine side but are still very much men who love women. The same is true of some women who seem to think more like men. So please do not get upset with me when I am speaking about the general population and you or the one you are interested in does not fit into that general category.
Quality Singles – When I talk about quality singles, I am referring to those who are, for the most part, emotionally whole and healthy, having already dealt with serious issues and taken care of excess baggage. They, for the most part, have a high self-confidence and positive attitude. They also show a higher level of respect and consideration for others. These singles make the best dating and lifetime partners.
Marriage – I will talk about marriage being the end result of IntegrityDating. However, some singles desire a serious, committed relationship without marriage. In either case, this process will easily accommodate both scenarios.
Your Foundation – Laying a strong foundation is critical for those looking for their relationship to last long-term. Anyone trying to build a house on an unstable foundation will eventually find it crumbling. Most singles today meet, fall in love (or lust), move in together, or marry without proper evaluation and preparation. Eventually, they find the house that they hurried to build is crashing to the ground.
Time – Only time will tell certain things about a person. When you give your relationship enough time to grow, you will discover your dating partner’s good and bad habit patterns, bad side, if you can trust them, if you can handle conflicts together, and much more. Many unexpected surprises come around the year-and-a-half and two-year mark. Therefore, it is recommended that you don’t marry until after that two year mark.
Improving Ourselves – We should constantly be working on ourselves: mostly our attitudes. Your attitude is the biggest secret key to making this process work. Therefore, you need to be constantly renewing your mind. You need to understand that there is something more important than finding the right person, and that is becoming the right person. Manipulating, playing games, and selfishness has no place in this process.
You should wish the best for everyone, even if you are not the best fit for them. Understand that it is not a bad thing when a relationship does not progress. It is good because that person was not your perfect partner. To attract a peaceful and joyful relationship, you need to keep a positive attitude toward yourself, others, and life.
Evaluating – Most people don’t like to think they are being evaluated or that they need to evaluate others. However, every time two people go out together, they are evaluating and being evaluated in some form. Everyone does this. They do it in order to determine if they want to go out with that person again as well as how much they are willing to give to that person on each date. You will do it by asking yourself if you like the way they are treating you. Do you find them interesting enough to see again? Do they make you feel good? You will find many more questions to ask as you go through the process.
You will find me often referring to evaluating because it is extremely important in your quest to finding the right person for you. It is also important in keeping you from settling for just another nice person. Your evaluating should start the moment you first are aware of the other person. Any number of deal breakers can be hidden for a time and show up later in a relationship. So I encourage you to always be evaluating whether the person you are with is good for you and if the relationship is getting better. Are you becoming a better person because they are in your life?
Physical vs Sexually Intimate Activities – Throughout this course, I will refer to physically intimate actions as activities which are considered acceptable in public, in other words, only what you would do in front of your minister, parents, or children. When I talk about sexually intimate actions, I will be referring to sexual activities usually done in private.
Disclaimer – My courses, books, videos, webinars, any other materials or programs, this dating process, and club are not affiliated with nor related to any part of any other traditional matchmaking or dating service. This IntegrityDating process is not based on or made for any one individual religious affiliation, denomination, or preference. However, it has been created to accommodate the majority of religious denominations and affiliations. Also, I am not a therapist or counselor and do not take any responsibility, personal, legal, or otherwise. I have had many great mentors and 40 years of personal research and study. My greatest areas of expertise are reflected in my Finding Love Success System courses.
Preparing Yourself – Get ready to experience areas of pleasurable dating that you have never experienced before. Relax and enjoy. And remember, change is not always easy. For years, you have been programmed to go in one direction, and now you have chosen to turn around and go in a different direction.
Just hold on and prepare yourself for lots of re-programming of your old, incorrect dating beliefs and habits to new, more successful ones. Keep reminding yourself that it gets easier as you go. The more you review the guidelines and principles, the sooner your mind will remember them. So read and re-read this course material over and over and over until it takes over your mind and becomes natural for you to think and act accordingly. The more you read and practice, the easier it gets. I Promise!
*Pay Special Attention – When you see this asterisk (*) before a sentence, please pay special attention to what is written after it.
Pace or Pacing – When I use these two words, I am referring to the control we need to have when progressing forward in a certain area, in other words, having control over an area of growth instead of just letting it go out of control. When we control the speed of growth in an area, we will have a much better chance of being successful. When we allow our emotions or activities to move too fast, it could mean we are needy or desperate to make something happen, usually doing too much too soon. Also, there is a very good chance that we will move much faster than our partner and start pushing them, causing them to withdraw, panic or leave. As you read, you will discover the best way for both people to pace (control) the growth of their four intimacies (Emotional, Physical, Sexual, and Spiritual), their actions, their time, and even their gift giving.