LESSON 3 Why We Need Rules & Guidelines for Success
As you have probably discovered, when in a dating relationship the decisions can be overwhelming. What can I do to get them to like me? Am I doing everything correctly? What exactly do they expect from me? Should I wait, or should I call? Should we kiss, or should we wait? Where should we go? What should I wear? Should I call or just text? How much should I give? How much should I tell? On and on... the questions and insecurities continue to grow. What can help you overcome the challenges?
Rules and Guidelines
Please don't get shook-up or hung-up with the word Rules. I am using these words as-a-way to show you what is most important to do in-order-to have dating success. The only repercussion you will experience from not following these rules would be to not have the successful outcomes these Rules for Success will bring you. Therefore, I call them rules, which stresses the importance of following them. The more of them you follow the greater success you will have in those areas.
In this Intro to IntegrityDating course you will find there are Rules for Dating Success. In the IntegrityDating course you will find over 40 guidelines to help you follow the basic Rules for Success. Both the rules and the guidelines are set up to help you work together easier to reach your goals. These rules and guidelines will keep you from being sidetracked by incorrect information, misunderstandings, opinions, etc. If you want to be successful in love you need the correct set of rules for guiding you and your dating partners down the same path; bringing you both closer instead of apart.
Do you remember what dating was like back in the 1950s and 1960s? Probably not. It was so much different than today. Dating then was based more on healthy values, evaluating, and eliminating the wrong people before getting too close. This was done by following important and helpful rules and guidelines. Those rules and guidelines helped everyone stay on the same page. They didn’t have all the confusion about who should do what and when and how, as singles do today.
We find that without rules, regulations, protocols, and/or guidelines, no club, group, organization, church, police department, school, hospital, or business could ever become and stay successful. They all have some type of structure created by the rules they follow.
That structure gives everyone an idea of what to expect and what to do next. The rules give the specific details of what to expect, do and not do.
The structure of a hospital is that it provides medical care using doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals. A hospital structure would let you know who is involved, in what capacity, how the process is set up, and whether to arrive by appointment or emergency room. Then there is the admission protocol which includes specific paperwork being filled out and getting medical care as needed. When ready to leave, you go through the discharge protocol.
Each area involved has its own rules and regulations. Everyone is expected to follow them to have order and to accomplish the desired result. Even though you may not like filling out paperwork, not having meals you want when you want them, or having to be wheeled out in a wheelchair instead of walking out on your own; all the rules are set up for the hospital to work efficiently and to bring about a successful result every time.
McDonald's has very specific rules to follow for their franchises to identically duplicate their processes to become and stay successful. Table games have rules. Card games have rules. Sports games have rules. Even dating clubs, groups, organizations, and dating sites have rules.
Relationships such as teacher and student, parent and child, doctor and patient, husband and wife, are no different and have definite rules.
When you step outside of the rules for that relationship, you change the dynamics within the relationship, often destroying that relationship altogether.
It Is the Same with a Dating Relationship
Both people need to know the rules, guidelines, or protocols that will help them lay a solid foundation, grow together, and create a relationship that is healthy and successful. The couple must willingly follow them together. This will make it easier and will draw them closer to each other.
When one person wants a friends-with-benefits or hook-up relationship, the other must follow in that direction to make that relationship work. If the other person wants monogamy and marriage, that relationship will not work long-term because the two are not following the rules for a hook-up relationship; neither are they working to build a solid foundation for marriage.
Both people must agree to work toward the same end-result. If you want a monogamous, committed relationship with marriage, then the person you are dating must be willing to follow the same steps to get there. If you each have a different idea of how to accomplish this, there will be confusion, frustration, division, and an eventual breakup.
Before I discovered this, I found dating very confusing and frustrating, as you probably do. Mostly because everyone had different ideas of how it should be done or possibly had no idea of what to do. The questions were, and still are, endless. Each person could have a different idea of who should do what, when, and how. For example: How should a first date end? The man may expect it to end with a first kiss while the woman doesn’t believe in kissing someone she doesn’t know very well.
The Definition of Insanity
I have already mentioned the definition of insanity and the results of doing the same thing over and over while hoping for different results. I found that to get different results, you must change your mental love and dating blueprint. This means reprogramming your thinking to something that works better. Are you ready to make a change?
What you believe and think, you speak. What you speak, you eventually act upon, and your actions create either success or failure. Are you ready to think and act differently when it comes to dating and relationships? Are you ready to make the changes necessary to be more successful in love?
Over the years the important structure that helped couples connect and build a solid foundation disappeared. The hookup culture told singles you no longer have to follow any rules, guidelines or protocols for building a healthy relationship. It’s like a hospital telling their surgical doctors that they don’t need to wear gloves if they don’t want to. This would lead to a series of infections and even deaths (an unwanted result). The rule to wear sterile gloves when doing surgery is enforced to eliminate problems, not create more.
In the same way, I believe there are important rules for eliminating dating problems and making the process more enjoyable and successful. Therefore, I set up these rules for myself. They helped keep me from taking the easy way out. They helped me do the difficult and sometimes uncomfortable things to have a successful result (my very happy marriage!) I hope you will also embrace them to help you find your lifetime love.
A Strong House First Needs a Proper Foundation
Dating and building a long-term relationship is similar-to-building a house. You must lay a solid foundation, including underground pipes for plumbing and wiring throughout the walls for electricity. In the same way, there are foundational relationship elements that need to be set up correctly from the beginning to have everything working correctly and keep them working long-term. Early in a relationship, it is important to set up a framework that is strong, secure, and able to last a lifetime. Only after the foundation and framework are complete, do you apply the paint, decorate, and move in.
Painting, decorating, and moving in may be the more enjoyable part of the process, but it is one that must wait until the other steps are completed first. Following the proper process for building a home (relationship) correctly will lead to the pleasures of a home that is extremely enjoyable for the owners (couple) for years to come. Furthermore, when the house is built correctly, there are fewer problems to handle later.
Like many singles today, if the home owner decides he or she does not want to wait for the house to be built correctly and decides to skip a few things to be able to move in sooner, they will have more problems later. When singles decide to skip putting in the plumbing or electrical wiring to speed things up to get to the more fun aspects of a relationship, they should know there will be very serious consequences down the road. That house will not be able to provide all they need to stay for the long haul. (You may lose a great partner by rushing things)
Some of the ways singles rush: they jump into sex too soon, don't evaluate first, do not get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before getting sexually involved or they move in together too soon. You can’t jump into putting up walls and painting without working on plumbing and electric first. This will produce a house which is not livable. These couples will end up breaking up or continue fighting over a house (relationship) that doesn’t work well.
Many singles today think they can jump into a relationship with someone and have it magically turn into a wonderful love affair. It may be magical for a while because they are enjoying the short-term pleasures. But when they try to keep it going, over time, they realize they don’t have everything they need (no plumbing and electric). By then, it is too late. So, they abandon the relationship and move on to repeat the same thing with someone else, hoping it will be different. They are still dating according to the definition of insanity. Nothing will change until they learn and follow the rules for building a strong, sturdy foundation and framework. This is what following the Rules for Dating Success will help you do.
Since over the decades, the way singles date has changed tremendously, they lost important aspects to the process. We now have everyone trying this and that in hopes that something will bring them love and marriage. As I said earlier, dating today has become extremely confusing and frustrating, partially because everyone has a different idea of how it should be done.
During my research and study, I discovered a process in the past that had guidelines to follow and worked very well. It was/is called courtship. In the courtship process, men and women had rules to follow. The man had to ask the parents if he could take the woman out. They had a limited amount of time they could spend together and only certain places they could go. Sex came after marriage. During courtship, he had to spend time with her family and finally ask for her father's permission to marry her. This allowed time to build the important inner love for each other before adding the sexual aspect. It also gave time for the parents to get to know and approve of the man she was marrying.
I knew it would not work to bring those courtship rules back today. However, I found that many of the values and principles (reasons why they did what they did) still needed to be preserved. It was in the past courtship process that I discovered many answers to the problems we have today.
I was excited to find that when we follow the same values and principles that were followed in past courtship, they still work. Amazing! So why don’t singles follow the principles that still work? Why did courtship fade into the past? I believe it was because Americans wanted to try new things.
However, over fifty years later, we are discovering the painful truth. I believe that a large percentage of situations on the list in Lesson 1 have been created by dating without rules, guidelines and healthy values. Singles are attempting to build their houses too fast with the wrong people and for the wrong reasons. Then they leave an incomplete or broken-down structure (broken heart and home) and move on to do the same with others over and over. Most singles do not know any other way. It’s not their fault or yours. You did not have the answers you will find in the IntegrityDating process and its continued education courses.
But don’t despair! I know we can change these statistics for the better. IntegrityDating and its Rules for Success will enable singles to make the corrections needed to change things for those dating now. This will positively affect our children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great-grandchildren, and the future of our country. We can do it by changing the way singles date (IntegrityDating) and by creating a new, healthier, more successful dating scene where like-minded singles can meet each other. I hope you are on the bandwagon with me. Together we can do great things!
Now, let's take-a-look at America's core dating problems and why they are causing you and others confusion and frustration… so we can clear them up!