LESSON 13: What Most Men Need
#32 Most men need and love games. Let’s clarify what that means. I’ve heard women say they don’t want to get involved in playing games. I agree. If it means using and taking advantage of men, I am in full agreement. We are not talking here about playing games but the love men have for games. There is a very big difference.
Men love sports games, hunting games, as well as mind stimulating games. It’s in the game that men have what they need; the exhilaration of the challenge, the chase, the competition and the suspense of winning. It’s in the game that men find what they need to stimulate them in the chase of the woman they desire to attract.
When a man can’t participate himself in a sports game, but is watching one on television, he will imagine himself in it, getting extremely excited just sitting in his living room. So remember to keep him stimulated with the chase, the challenge and the excitement of being in your dating game.
Don’t make the mistake of making two or three moves in a row. After he makes a move, you make a move. If you sent a text or called him once, the ball is in his court. Wait for his next move. I mean wait! This is part of the chase that stirs up men’s testosterone and gets him excited about chasing you. Do not act like a needy or desperate woman who responds too soon, too frequently or chases or pursues him. You are the prize and he needs to pursue you. Until you become exclusive, keep him wondering if he can catch you and keep you. The chase should take three months minimum. It can last longer. It ends whenever you become exclusive and he is no longer competing with other men.
#33 Men need competition. They need to prove their superiority over other men, and to be territorial. Men compare themselves with other men. They want to win the biggest toy. Therefore, he must feel he has won you away from other men. When he works to win you he values you more. So keep yourself positioned as the prize he is “earning” or trying to win. Let him do most of the work for the first few months.
I recommend seeing two or three men at the same time during the Casual Dating and Romantic Dating stages. Once you decide to become exclusive with one of those men you will stop seeing the others and focus on building a long-term relationship with that special guy.
I do not recommend you have more than three men pursuing you at the same time. That is too much to have to try to keep up with. You have to have time for other things in your life besides dating. If you are seeing three men, each once a week, you will have time for family, other friends, alone time and personal time. All these are important. So don’t overwhelm yourself. Please pace yourself so you can get everything done without stress. Enjoy your life.
When Jerry found out I was dating two other men. He asked me why. I said it was because we were not exclusive yet. He said he was not seeing anyone else. I said he could if he wanted to because we were not exclusive yet. He said he didn’t want to because he wanted to spend all his time thinking of ways to please me. Wow! He was really proving himself to be a valuable, quality man focused on what he wanted – me!
He asked me how he could get us to exclusivity. I told him that IntegrityDating was about the man wooing and romancing the woman to win her away from the other men. I said I was waiting to see who wooed and romanced me enough to win my heart away from the others. That gave him a challenge, made me more valuable in his eyes and worth the chase.
He really stepped up to the plate and a few weeks later I had to admit to him that I was ready to be exclusive. He said excitedly, “I won?” Men love the chase, the challenge and the competition. Keep casually dating other men until you choose the one who wins your heart and soul. Then make a commitment to that one man, the one you want to work toward marriage with. Seeing several men really made a big difference in winning the man of my dreams.
Now, if a man strays away for a week, a month, or more and wants to come back, be sure you make him “work” his way back in. Make him work for your attention! Be the challenge he needs. Stay interested but only occasionally available. That means; let him know you are still interested in seeing him, but don’t jump when he says let’s go out tonight. Tell him you may have some time next week. He will only want you more. If he doesn’t, he’s not right for you.
#34 Men need to feel powerful. If you like the way you feel when a man does romantic things for you; remember this is how he feels when you make him feel powerful. Men will move mountains for a woman who looks up to him, admires him, who tells him how wonderful he is and how much she appreciates him.
Let the men be right, you be smart. When a man feels powerful he’s more likely to find ways to please you. If there is a decision that needs to be made and you don’t care either way, let him decide. Let him fix the car, things around the house and do the things men love to do.
Do what women do best and let your men do the “guy things” for you. Even if you feel you can do it better and feel confident doing it, let him. They will enjoy doing those things if you say thank you and keep showing sincere appreciation.
#35 Many men need to get things done. They want things over, done and out of the way. This may cause your guy to focus on a project until it is done and forget a lunch date, your birthday or any number of things. Most men are the happiest when they are busy. When busy they feel necessary, needed, important, and productive. They feel they have purpose in their life.
But remember that his priorities may not necessarily be yours. This also means that there may be times you don’t hear from him or your schedules overlap and you can’t see each other for quite a while. If you don’t get upset, this could very well work to your advantage.
The important thing here is that you keep working on your priorities; stay focused on yourself. And don’t get upset if he keeps forgetting, just keep reminding, and praising him when he remembers. We don’t like it but it is impossible to change a man’s basic nature. We just have to work with it.
#36 Men need to know they are needed by you. A man needs to know that in some way you really need him and that makes him special and important to you. If you are financially secure, have hobbies, a good job, and great friends, he may wonder if there is anything he can offer you. He needs to feel important in some way.
Remember, good men want to slay the dragon and protect you and they also want to provide for you what makes you happy. So let him know what areas he can make a difference in your life. Let him know where and how you need him, even if it is only for romance and emotional support. Men love to fix things and if he can’t see any area he can be of service he will take his service elsewhere.
#37 Men need to feel they can be your hero. Do you have any areas in your life where he can slay a dragon or two for you? Give him the task. He will probably take it on gladly. Try it; even if it is a simple thing like figuring out what’s making that funny noise in your car. He may work on it himself or he may just take it to the repair shop. That’s okay. He slew the dragon and got rid of the problem.
Let him be your hero for eliminating other problems from your life. Does your house need repainting, grass cut, do you need to laugh more, just need a hug as you cry it out? Let him know about it. Let him be your hero! And don’t forget to tell him over and over… You’re My Hero, Thank you sooooo much for taking care of that for me, You’re the Man!
I needed, and still do need, my man to just hold me when I need to cry. I remember when my mother died and I just needed to cry. It meant so much to me to have him hold me while I cried and talked it all out. Another way my guy is really great at helping me is when I need a sounding board; which is almost every day. He will listen as I run something by him. If I ask him for his honest opinion he will give it, otherwise he just listens as I ramble on about stuff going through my head. Usually, when I hear myself speak things out loud, I can better evaluate if they are good ideas or if I want to make changes.
Men don’t always need big things or tasks to conquer for you. Taking out the trash is a small thing to him but a very big thing for me. I asked him when we first met and he is still doing it nine years later. I still thank him every time. It only takes a second or two but does a lot for the other person.
#38 A man wants to know that you enjoy sex and will be a good sex partner. As I said earlier, he first wants to know if you will be fun to be with. Second, he wants to know that you are also interested in him. And third, he wants to know that you will be a good sex partner. In your early conversations about sex you can often tell if he is a quality man looking for a serious relationship or someone who is still running around.
Here is another line you can use when the sex issue comes up, share with him this next line and he will respect you for it. “I can’t wait to have sex again. But it must be with the right man and at the right time. I’m just not sure you are the right man yet.” Once you say this he will have his sex question answered and want to prove to you that he is the right man. A quality man will not mind the wait and will even get excited about proving himself to you first.
You just challenged him, and good men enjoy a good challenge. He may ask you, “When is the right time?” Tell him, “The right time is whenever I feel ready. Don’t worry, I will let you know.” It’s very important that you don’t give him a timeline or tell him you want to wait until after there is a commitment. Just tell him you will let him know when you are ready. If he is also following the IntegrityDating process he will already know he has to wait until you choose a man to be exclusive with. Hopefully he will try his best to be that man.
#39 Men need to know they are sexually desirable. Men need to feel viral, sexy and important in the bedroom. Men need to know that you see them as sexual beings, and that they can please you sexually. In the beginning you don’t have to have sex to let a man know this. You can tell him early in a relationship that you think he is very sexy and you hope the relationship will progress because you believe that when the right time comes you will have a great sex life together. He will probably love to hear that. However, don’t get into very deep, lengthy discussions on sexual topics until you are talking about becoming exclusive and getting tested for STD’s.
What I did when I was still dating was this. I chose a few positive statements and would throw them into our conversation, occasionally. Here are a few I used and still use today. Hi handsome! Hello sexy! I love hugging your muscular arm. If he asks, “Do you really think I am?” Say yes or absolutely.
Most men are a bit insecure on the inside even though they don’t show it on the outside. They also like a woman to be a little flirty and to banter back & forth with them. For them it is very stimulating and exciting. This is why confidence is important. In order to banter you have to not care what he thinks of you. You need to be able to counter what he said; even if it is only in fun. Most men will enjoy the sexual innuendoes and bantering back and forth while waiting for the real thing.
In your joking and bantering back and forth you may have a few places where you can respond with one of these. (It’s okay to leave him hanging. It’s a tease and a challenge) Say something like, “You’ll just have to wait to find out!” “I might… but then again, I might not!”
#40 Men need to know that you can be trusted. When you are dating a very special man and you definitely do not want to lose him, it is imperative to prove to him that you can be trusted in all areas. That is something women have a big problem with today. And I am not talking specifically about cheating. You and I both know that if you cheat, you lose! This is never okay under any circumstances. Once you have made a promise of exclusivity to one man, you must stay faithful to him and him alone.
However, in an early relationship there are important ways to prove to the men you are dating that you are trustworthy. First, you need to prove to your man that you are trustworthy in keeping his secrets and personal stuff private. If a man thinks you will share with your girlfriends what he has told you in confidence he may fear it will end up all over town. This could cause him to close up and not share anymore with you. You definitely don’t want him to close up. Never share a man’s personal information with others. It is HIS stuff and he shared it with you in confidence.
Also, in order to keep your man comfortable with telling you anything, you must never use what he tells you later; when you are in an argument or a disagreement. You can never throw things in his face later or use that information against him over and over when you are upset. Be thankful he felt comfortable enough to tell you in the first place – and then leave it all in the past!
When you do get a man to open-up and share his deepest thoughts, feelings and desires; it is a great accomplishment. File away deep inside your mind what he holds so dear to him along with his fears and insecurities. Then don’t ever pull them out unless you are talking peacefully one-on-one with him alone. Never share any of it in front of or with his/your friends. Keep his personal stuff private between you and him. Prove you are trustworthy in these areas and you will be a very valuable asset to him. Prove you can do it. You being trustworthy is extremely important if you really want to keep a trustworthy man.
#41 The three most important things men need from a woman are: Loyalty, Sex and Support. Men mostly need these three things to stay in a long-term relationship. However, don’t stop there. Add all the things in this lesson on What Men Need. The more of them that you add to your relationship with him the stronger of a bond you will have and the more complete and fulfilled you will make him feel.
Remember the most important thing in keeping a man in love is how you make him feel. So make him feel needed, challenged, desirable, make him feel he’s your hero, he’s powerful, he can trust you, that you believe in him and will be a support to him. When you do this, quality men will want to step up and do more for you. They will be drawn to you, creating a deeper emotional connection and finally love.